


10 Years Too Long

by shanisafan



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-03 21:27:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16333721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shanisafan/pseuds/shanisafan
Summary: You know them from specials such as Beep Beep, Bastard and Those aren’t my Pills! Now this dynamic dating duo is back. Give it up for Eddie and Richie in 10 Years Too Long.Comedian's AU





	10 Years Too Long

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt done for the [reddie library](https://reddielibrary.tumblr.com)  
> 

**The following is a transcript of Richie Tozier and Eddie Kaspbrak’s comedy routine.**

 

 **Announcer:** You know them from specials such as _Beep Beep, Bastard_ and _Those aren’t my Pills_. Now this dynamic dating duo is back. Give it up for Eddie and Richie in _10 Years Too Long_.

 

 **Eddie:** Hey everyone! My name is Eddie Kaspbrak.

 

 **Richie:** And I’m Richie Fucking Tozier!

 

 **Eddie:** We are the gayest comedy duo you’ll ever meet.

 

 **Richie:** Before you wonder, yes, Eddie is my perpetual booty call.

 

 **Eddie:** If you don’t speak asshole, I’m his boyfriend.

 

 **Richie:** We’ve been together for 10 years. That’s right 10. Since we were 13 years old.

 

 **Eddie:** We’ve known each other for 15 years, more than half our lives. And when you’ve known someone for that long, you have to find ways to keep the relationship interesting. Richie and I have a foolproof system to staying together as best friends and a couple...

 

 **Richie:** Kinky sex.

 

 **Eddie:** We’ll see if you ever get sex again after tonight.

 

 **Richie:** We’ve spent the last 15 years roasting each other. Actually, can you remember the first thing I ever said to you?

 

 **Eddie:** “Hey, nice fanny pack. Do you use it as a shield so people won’t know you got a boner for them?” And I said...

 

 **Richie:** “Yeah that, and the condoms I’ll be needing for your sister tonight.” And this has been ‘True Love Stories’ with Richie and Eddie.

 

 **Eddie:** Quick reminder for our math-challenged friends in the room. If we’re 23 and have known each other for 15 years, then we were 8 years old when we met.

 

 **Richie:** And not a day goes by that I don’t remember that perfect meet-cute moment, Eds.

 

 **Eddie:** Don’t call me, Eds.

 

 **Richie:** Longtime fans know he HATES it when I call him, Eds.

 

 **Eddie:** Because it’s not my name!

 

 **Richie:** Eds is short for Eddie!

 

 **Eddie:** Eddie is already short for Edward, ya dick!

 

 **Richie:** Weird, you don’t usually use the shortened version of Richard on me.

 

 **Eddie:** No, I meant ‘dick’ as in ‘Richie, you are a dick.’

 

 **Richie:** Well...you are what you eat.

 

 **Eddie:** Beep Beep, Richie.

 

 **Richie:** _*silent*_

 

 **Eddie:** I should probably explain about ‘Beep beep, Richie”. Our friend Ben realized that Richie could be shut up by saying “Beep beep”.

 

 **Richie:** It was helpful growing up since I have zero fucking filter and undiagnosed ADHD. So if I said something too honest...

 

 **Eddie:**  An asshole...

 

 **Richie:** Or perhaps something the present company would not appreciate…

 

 **Eddie:** Disgustingly inappropriate...

 

 **Richie:** Then they would say “Beep beep”.

 

 **Eddie:** Also if he was cursing a bit too much, he has the trashiest mouth you’ll ever meet.

 

 **Richie:** Oh please, we curse the same amount. But my ‘rents probably should have drugged me up with some Adderall shit.

 

 **Eddie:** Nah, you’re perfect just the way you are Rich.

 

 **Richie:** Eddie, not in front of the drunken audience. After the show, you can tap this all you want.

 

 **Eddie:** Go take a cold shower and chill out.

 

 **Richie:** Are we comparing who is more chill of the two of us? Because I would win that contest in a second. Eddie once went ape-shit when I gave him a wet willie.

 

 **Eddie:** Well, that’s because I was a germaphobe and hypochondriac growing up!

 

 **Richie:** I coughed next to him last week and he made both of us go to urgent care to make sure we didn’t have swine flu.

 

 **Eddie:** They kept broadcasting it everywhere and acting like we could get it at any time!

 

 **Richie:** Eddie freaks out a lot and it is so precious.

 

 **Eddie:** I’ll show you precious you motherfu -

 

 **Richie:** But the best Eddie Frank Kaspbrak freak out was when we were 13 years old. I had gone over to his house. Just to check on him because he had been acting super weird around me.

 

 **Eddie:** I realized I had a crush on Richie so I was in a state of constant gay panic every second. Which is also just my mood always.

 

 **Richie:** I didn’t have a clue. Completely oblivious. Like I have always been clueless about dating and people liking me since forever. Our best friend, Beverly and I, accidentally went on a movie date when we were 11 because I said I would pay for her ticket.  And when she said “Richie, are you asking me out on a date?” I started bowing to her and begging for it to be a date like some kind of fucking peasant would to the Queen of Sheba.

 

 **Eddie:** Then when she said how excited she was to be on a date, he asked her not to call it that because he’s GAY.

 

 **Richie:** I’m bisexual, thank you very much. All humans are a beauty to behold and fuck.

 

 **Eddie:** Alright audience, join me in saying a quick beep beep...ready? One...Two...Three…

 

 **Audience and Eddie:** Beep Beep, Richie!

 

 **Richie:** Yeah, yeah! At the end of the day, I’m Edsexual and always will be.

 

 **Audience:** Awwww

 

 **Eddie:** Continue with my biggest freak out you dork.

 

 **Richie:** Right! So we are at his house, alone in his room…

 

 **Audience:** Ohhhh

 

 **Richie:** Alright, don’t get too excited ya gay allies. We were reading comics and talking when the subject of Eddie being gay came up.

 

 **Eddie:** It did not just come up. Richie was pretending to read a comic but actually had my fucking journal and saw me talking about it.

 

 **Richie:** Y’all it was so fucking cute though. He had a whole page dedicated to my name and hearts and precious speeches about how to tell me he was gay and my heart swooned!

 

 **Eddie:** I will jump off this stage.

 

 **Richie:** When he caught me with the journal in front of the comic, holy hell, he was mad. I was a couple inches taller than him at the time, but Eddie tackled me to the ground. Repeatedly called me an asshole and that he hated me. I thought he was going to mash me like a potato. But when he finally let me talk, I took a deep breath, looked into that red, angry cute face and told him I felt the same and that I was probably gay too. And you said…

 

 **Eddie:** “I’m not gay.”

 

 **Richie:** “But in your journal, you said…”

 

 **Eddie:** And Richie went on to blabber about whatever he was blabbering. It was around then that I realized how close our faces were and that I was sitting on his stomach. I just wanted him to shut up. Seriously, that’s all I wanted. Because he was talking at lightning speed. Finally, I just leaned down and…

 

 **Richie & Eddie: **Kissed me/him.

 

 **Richie:** It was amazing. Like quick tangent here, Eddie is the best fucking kisser. He can do this thing with his tongue and...

 

 **Eddie:** AND we are done with that! So I kissed him, pulled away then you said…

 

 **Richie:** “Kissing me sort of implies you are gay, Eds.”

 

 **Eddie:** And when I tried to argue with him, he kissed me back.

 

 **Audience member:** You two are so cute!

 

 **Richie:** Eds is the cute one!

 

 **Eddie:** Security, I am going to need this man and audience member escorted from the building. Thanks.

 

 **Richie:** Then we started dating and called it a day.

 

 **Eddie:** One of the things we didn’t anticipate doing would be telling our best friends. We have 5 amazing best friends who support us and love us. But we dated for 3 years before telling them officially.

 

 **Richie:** We sort of wanted them to bring it up so we wouldn’t have too. But no matter what compromising situations they constantly caught us in, they chalked it up to us being Richie and Eddie.

 

 **Eddie:** Richie was literally pinning me, hovering over my body on the couch and about to kiss me when our friend Ben walked in. He didn’t question it at all, simply took a seat and asked what movie we were fucking watching.

 

 **Richie:** We left our friend Mike’s birthday to fuck in his barn and he never questioned why there was hay all over us.

 

 **Eddie:** Bill and Stanley, the two guys who have known us the longest, they caught me straddling Richie’s lap and still NOTHING.

 

 **Richie:** We eventually just told them and there was this big sigh of relief. We learned from all this that men are clueless because the only person who wasn’t surprised was our one girl friend, Beverly. She said, “Of course you’re dating. You stare at one another like you are the sun and moon.” Bless Beverly.

 

 **Eddie:** Then when we decided to come out to our parents, I think I had a panic attack every day about it.

 

 **Richie:** I told him he could not fear his mother forever and this brat said…

 

 **Eddie: "** It wouldn’t be like this forever. For one day she will croak."

 

 **Richie:** Eddie’s mother...oh how do I put this...hates me as much as all of us hate iPhones. You know what I mean? When you have an iPhone, you constantly have to listen to it when it makes you update. Then you update it and hope it will leave you alone but actually, it just pesters you to update more things. And after you’ve done all these updates, it hasn’t really changed it remains almost exactly as it is.

 

 **Eddie:** Still a loud, obnoxious, piece of overpriced trash that annoys you every moment of every day.

 

 **Richie:** But you can never get rid of the iPhone, oh no, because it’s all you’ve ever known now. You must suffer and live with it for the rest of your fucking days. I am the iPhone of Eddie’s Mom’s life.

 

 **Eddie:** Never goes away and is always ready to make you drop an important call because it wants attention.

 

 **Richie:** His mother once locked all the doors and re-hid the key so I couldn’t find it.

 

 **Richie:** We went the easier route and told my parents first. Since they LOVE Eddie.

 

 **Eddie:** Now, just so you are aware. Neither of us had even told them we were gay or bi, let alone we had been dating.

 

 **Richie:** It was junior year we came back to my house and hung out for a couple hours making out.

 

 **Eddie:** We were actually playing video games but sure lie to the naive audience.

 

 **Richie:** We sat my parents down and Eddie, the sweet cute human, took my hand. Before I even opened my mouth, mom said…

 

 **Eddie:** “We know you are dating.” We both nearly pissed ourselves.

 

 **Richie:** I asked them when they realized it. My father gave me a deadpan expression and said, “Son, the fruit of my loins, you are about as subtle as a root canal with no laughing gas.” He’s a dentist.

 

 **Eddie:** I just wish they were a little surprised that I was gay.

 

 **Richie:** As if.

 

 **Eddie:** What?!

 

 **Richie:** You’re as gay as they come, Eds.

 

 **Eddie:** I will destroy you.

 

 **Richie:** but don’t get me wrong, I would die for Eddie, Kill for Eddie…

 

 **Eddie:** Or let me kill him if the situation required it.

 

 **Richie:** When would the situation require my murder?

 

 **Eddie:** If you try to take over the world, if you try to kill me, or if you say something so inappropriate that your very soul must be banished from this earth.

 

 **Richie:** You’re the cutest.

 

 **Eddie:** I could fuck up your scrawny ass so easily.

 

 **Richie:** And he has.

 

 **Eddie:** Audience!

 

 **Audience:** BEEP BEEP, RICHIE!

 

 **Richie & Eddie: **Thank you everyone and goodnight!

 

 **Audience:** *Crowd goes wild*

 

 **Richie:** Eds! Before we walk off I wanted to do one more thing.

 

 **Eddie:** Richie...what are you doing?

 

 **Richie:** As we said earlier, we’ve been dating for 10 years. It’s actually our anniversary, today. So before we go to celebrate and I get some…

 

 **Eddie:** Trashmouth, I swear to god

 

 **Richie:** _*Gets down on one knee*_ Eds, you really are the moon to my sun. I love you more than anyone or anything.

 

 **Eddie:** _*Voice cracks*_ Rich…

 

 **Richie:** _*Pulls out a ring*_ Will you marry m-?

 

 **Eddie:** YES! _*tackles him to the ground in a searing kiss*_

 

 **Audience:** _*ERUPTS IN CHEERS AND SHOUTS*_

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi [tumblr: richiefuckfacetozier](https://richiefuckfacetozier.tumblr.com)  
> 


End file.
